Everyday Ramblings

Life has never been something that I’ve really understood. I’ve tried to pick it apart. I’ve tried being my own master. However at the end of the day, it wins. Often I tell myself that I will got with the most logical reason, and do the right thing.  Self sacrifice should be my middle name with sentiments like that.

Lately in reality I’ve been going through a transition of sorts. One I felt was necessary for me to undergo and the cost of something very valuable. Someone valuable. High risk can lead to high reward; it just doesn’t very often. Transitions in a personal facet of life can lead to brash decisions and pockets of depression, regret, anger, remorse, more depression and possibly personal insanity.

The best way to combat those stages for me is to talk my way through them, without having to utter a single syllable. To put it bluntly: write about them.

So that is what I am going to do.

Sometimes I feel as if people don’t inherently get me. With that said, I do seclude myself and maintain a certain amount of emotional and physical distance to avoid being hurt. So you could say I do it to myself.

And i’d reply “Yes, I do”

My closest friends- of which I’d say I have 5 at best, are aware of facets of myself that I am still transitioning through. Facets that haven’t been fully awaked, honed, or nurtured to maturity, but I give voice to them and make them real.

Some find me downright weird. Speaking my mind to the point of spewing stream of consciousness is alarming to some and even to myself most of the time. Compulsions build up inside me and they have to erupt or i’ll die!

I hope someone can appreciate how awesome I am…and soon

 I am more the sure that I do not have to explain to people exactly what deja vu is nor how it works…

But for those who don’t heres how to sum it up

Those who have experienced the feeling describe it as an overwhelming sense of familiarity with something that shouldn’t be familiar at all.

Being a creature of spiritual keenness, I will have more than one flash of deja vu. I’m not the crazy lady in the back of a cafe talking about past lives. I’m the person who thinks to herself about the kind of person I once was.

If you know me in real life —I’ll often spout a joke or two, but in reality it fascinates me.

It has been over a year now since my last relationship. And I do go through thought patches. And they always start off like this:

  Everytime I think about dating again I get a call from my “fabulous friend” Paul. 

(This is me and Paul…he’s in the back)

My love for Paul is almost equal to my love/lust for cheese. He was my first real love and my first real heart break. —Amazing how those two things go hand-in-hand—

He is now happily with his partner, and we are the closest friends imaginable. But…like all relationships there are ups and down.

—And Note: if you and your partner NEVER fight then:

A: you are AMAZINGLY lucky

B: one or both of you aren’t being honest with each other 

Anyway, When things aren’t sunshine and rainbows for him, he vents to me. Immediately after the phone call I will go to my mother “Everytime I think about dating again, he never fails to call”. And that ends that.

However today, Valentine’s Day 2012, while folding laundry I fell into a thought patch and the most interesting thing happened. I got to talking to another good friend.

—Note: He dates and is Madly-in-Love with another good friend they are below

This is John and Leah.

So instead of getting a rant about why relationships SUCK! I got the exact opposite today…on the Hallmark day of love

—I know RIGHT?!—

John is what I secretly call —the geek dream— Through the odds of distance, he came from GA to be with Ms. Lee Lee back in 2009…and he’s still here. The likelihood of them separating is slim to none.

And Slim left the country years ago.

I look at them as the standard. For the last two years I’ve gone to their place for New year’s Eve. Drinks and Bevs are an ALWAYS but just between us- I go to watch them.

- Not in the perverted way mind you- But I watch them KNOWING that that is exactly what I want.  Trust me, if you ever spend time with these two: you’ll see what I mean. 

So Today without missing a beat, John begins to recount all the things he’s done for the lovely Ms. Lee Lee:

bacon roses…choc covered strawberry roses: the hungry geek gambit if i don’t say so myself.

So on a day that I write off  when i’m not on the “in love” team, I think his talking to me today was a sign of some good coming my way.

                                                          I hope :)