Unpublished Letters to “Him”: The Pain of Losing

Sometimes I get trapped in my head—and I’ve noticed it is a pretty quiet and often sad place. The holidays are meant to an time to express warmth and love and all fixings and trimmings that go along with that. However the only thing that is crossing my mind is the idea of loss.
Sure most of us have experienced a loss- hell at this stage of life if you haven’t experienced loss then boy are you in for a good one. By “good” I mean really really bad. I guess this mysterious person is also - in a weird way- unfortunate. Being able to see a world through a blissful ignorance, is a luxury for the select few.

I’m currently “losing something”. I wish it were as simple as a shoe or an earring, but of course when I lose…I lose big. I’m losing some that is precious and delicate and frankly- the one thing that I’ve wanted since I was a little girl.

A boy, but not just any boy…

A fictional character from one of my favorite series said it best:

Amy: You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they’re as dull as a brick? Then there’s other people, when you meet them you think, “Not bad. They’re okay.” And then you get to know them and… and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality’s written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful.
Both: Rory’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever met.”

He is the most beautiful man I’ve ever met. And now- I’ll never get him back.

That coin is always spinning in my mind…. Can I let go, surrender? Can I run from something and not be a coward?

That coin is always spinning in my mind…. Can I let go, surrender? Can I run from something and not be a coward?

Unpublished Letters to “Him” Introduction

Life has never been something that I’ve really understood. I’ve tried to pick it apart. I’ve tried being my own master. However at the end of the day, it wins. Often I tell myself that I will got with the most logical reason, and do the right thing.  Self sacrifice should be my middle name with sentiments like that.

Lately in reality I’ve been going through a transition of sorts. One I felt was necessary for me to undergo and the cost of something very valuable. Someone valuable. High risk can lead to high reward; it just doesn’t very often. Transitions in a personal facet of life can lead to brash decisions and pockets of depression, regret, anger, remorse, more depression and possibly personal insanity.

The best way to combat those stages for me is to talk my way through them, without having to utter a single syllable. To put it bluntly: write about them.

So that is what I am going to do.

I caught this on Facebook this morning…. I admire the strength of women and men who can do this. Not all of us are that strong.

I caught this on Facebook this morning…. I admire the strength of women and men who can do this. Not all of us are that strong.

A Rippling Reflection in the Back of My Mind.


Sometimes I feel as if people don’t inherently get me. With that said, I do seclude myself and maintain a certain amount of emotional and physical distance to avoid being hurt. So you could say I do it to myself.

And i’d reply “Yes, I do”

My closest friends- of which I’d say I have 5 at best, are aware of facets of myself that I am still transitioning through. Facets that haven’t been fully awaked, honed, or nurtured to maturity, but I give voice to them and make them real.

Some find me downright weird. Speaking my mind to the point of spewing stream of consciousness is alarming to some and even to myself most of the time. Compulsions build up inside me and they have to erupt or i’ll die!

I hope someone can appreciate how awesome I am…and soon

A Weird Feeling of Deja Vu

 I am more the sure that I do not have to explain to people exactly what deja vu is nor how it works…

But for those who don’t heres how to sum it up

Those who have experienced the feeling describe it as an overwhelming sense of familiarity with something that shouldn’t be familiar at all.

Being a creature of spiritual keenness, I will have more than one flash of deja vu. I’m not the crazy lady in the back of a cafe talking about past lives. I’m the person who thinks to herself about the kind of person I once was.

If you know me in real life —I’ll often spout a joke or two, but in reality it fascinates me.

U+ Me by Dan Black

When I Think About Dating…

It has been over a year now since my last relationship. And I do go through thought patches. And they always start off like this:

  Everytime I think about dating again I get a call from my “fabulous friend” Paul. 


(This is me and Paul…he’s in the back)

My love for Paul is almost equal to my love/lust for cheese. He was my first real love and my first real heart break. —Amazing how those two things go hand-in-hand—

He is now happily with his partner, and we are the closest friends imaginable. But…like all relationships there are ups and down.

—And Note: if you and your partner NEVER fight then:

A: you are AMAZINGLY lucky

B: one or both of you aren’t being honest with each other 

Anyway, When things aren’t sunshine and rainbows for him, he vents to me. Immediately after the phone call I will go to my mother “Everytime I think about dating again, he never fails to call”. And that ends that.

However today, Valentine’s Day 2012, while folding laundry I fell into a thought patch and the most interesting thing happened. I got to talking to another good friend.

—Note: He dates and is Madly-in-Love with another good friend they are below

This is John and Leah.

So instead of getting a rant about why relationships SUCK! I got the exact opposite today…on the Hallmark day of love

—I know RIGHT?!—

John is what I secretly call —the geek dream— Through the odds of distance, he came from GA to be with Ms. Lee Lee back in 2009…and he’s still here. The likelihood of them separating is slim to none.

And Slim left the country years ago.

I look at them as the standard. For the last two years I’ve gone to their place for New year’s Eve. Drinks and Bevs are an ALWAYS but just between us- I go to watch them.

- Not in the perverted way mind you- But I watch them KNOWING that that is exactly what I want.  Trust me, if you ever spend time with these two: you’ll see what I mean. 

So Today without missing a beat, John begins to recount all the things he’s done for the lovely Ms. Lee Lee:

bacon roses…choc covered strawberry roses: the hungry geek gambit if i don’t say so myself.

So on a day that I write off  when i’m not on the “in love” team, I think his talking to me today was a sign of some good coming my way.

                                                          I hope :)

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day